


As The World Falls Down

by ArrowAzura



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: And anxiety, Crying, F/F, F/M, Female Reader, Implied Sexual Content, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Is a Bad Parent, M/M, Michael Mell is a Good Friend, Reader and Connor are both in comas, Reader is Evan's Sister, Recreational Drug Use, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Sexual Humor, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, There's pictures!, Underage Drug Use, and depression, o jeez, reader has ADHD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-02-28 08:36:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18752824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArrowAzura/pseuds/ArrowAzura
Summary: It was a secret that they wanted to shout from the rooftops. To scream “I love you,” but it couldn’t happen. If their friends and family found out, things would never be the same. They couldn’t tell them. Luckily, they don’t have to. Simultaneously being in catatonic state does the work for them.Connor Murphy x Fem!Hansen!Reader





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I fucking broke and finally made an x reader series. I’m not sure whether to be proud of myself or ashamed that my friends would shun me. I’d always wanted to make one of these and I just couldn’t leave this fucking idea alone. It needed to be fed. If you guys think anything needs to be added, please feel free to tell me so. My writing style tends to progress A LOT.
> 
> Word Count: 3320
> 
> Chapter Warnings: Adult Language, Mentions of Drug Use, Mentions of Sexual Encounters, Typical Teenage Comedy, Okay-ish writing
> 
> I will add chapter warnings at the beginning of each new chapter

“Did you eat the pasta I left out for you last night?” (Y/N) asked, leaning against the doorway to Evan’s bedroom. He was currently staring at a blank page, deleting and rewriting his thoughts.

“What?”

“I made some pasta last night and left it on the stove. I told you before I took a shower,” (Y/N) said. Evan scanned his mind for a minute, before excusing his actions.

“Oh…uhm, I wasn’t hungry,” he simply said. (Y/N) rolled her eyes through her glasses.

“You’re never hungry.”

“I was busy.”

“It’s senior year, Evan,” (Y/N) sighed, sitting down next to her brother on his bed. “We can’t afford to skip meals this time.” Both twins used to be so anxious and tired their junior year that they would skip breakfast or just eat something with no benefit.

There was a sudden knock on the door that made (Y/N) jump. It was their Mom, giving a soft smile as always.

“Hey there, you two,” she said.

“‘Morning, Mom.” (Y/N) then felt her phone vibrate inside her pocket; she knew who it was. She excused herself to her room across the hall from Evan’s.

“Did you just not decide to eat last night?” Heidi asked.

“I wasn’t hungry, Mom,” Evan sighed.

(Y/N) sat on her bed next to the family cat, Jet. Heidi adopted him for her kids in an attempt to help lower their anxiety and depression. (Y/N) texted Connor back.

 

**_Hey_ **

_Hey_

_How’re you feeling?_

_**I might be a bit high** _

_How much is a bit??_

_Connor?_

_WTF??_

_How high?_

_**6’2** _

_I’m fine with that, just don’t fucking_

_drive whatever you do_

_**I’m not going** _

_Why??_

_Correction:_

_Why this_

_time??_

_**I just don’t wanna** _

_**It’s gonna suck** _

 

Jet meowed, kneading (Y/N)’s leg and begging for her to pet him. She scratched behind his ears, making him lean into her hand and wanting more.

“I’m glad you can’t talk, Jetty,” she giggled. (Y/N) had a feeling that if Jet could talk, he’d spill the beans about …certain things she’s done with her secret boyfriend in her room.

(Y/N) finished packing her backpack and dressing before heading downstairs to go eat breakfast. She stopped herself at the stairs.

“Evan, you want some eggs?” she asked

“Oh, um-”

“Too late, I’m already making some for you,” (Y/N) smiled, running downstairs. Heidi shook her head, smiling at Evan. She admired the way her daughter tried to look after her twin so much when she wasn’t around.

“You know she’s just trying to help, right?”

“Of course I do. I just…I just wished she’d worry about herself as much as she worries about me,” he said, trying to put his focus back on writing his letter.

…

“Bye, Mom!” (Y/N) hollered as Heidi rushed out the door, continuing to serve herself and Evan some eggs. She sat down next to him and nudged. “Did she give you a pep talk?”

“She tried. She actually gave me a pep talk about me giving myself a pep talk,” Evan said, playing around with his eggs and fruit. He meant the letters he was supposed to write himself for a therapy assignment. (Y/N) used to do those when she was in middle school. It took some time, but they were able to help her with her social anxiety and build up her confidence. Eventually, she found someone she could write to.

“That’s a lot of pep talks. I tried those when I was in eighth grade,” (Y/N) giggled, grazing on her final scoop of strawberry yogurt.

“Did they work?” Evan asked.

“A little bit. I did them so much that I eventually stopped needing to write them. If you do this right, it’ll boost up your self-esteem.”

“Yeah, but I have no idea what to write?”

“Well what do you have so far?”

“Um…’Dear Evan Hansen…today is go-going to be an amazing day and here’s…here’s why. Because all you have to do is be yourself.”

“That’s not a bad start,” she said. She stood up and took her plate to the sink.

“May…maybe I shouldn’t go to school,” Evan mumbled. (Y/N) had to stop herself from loudly sighing, rolling her eyes instead. She struggled with anxiety throughout pretty much her entire life. She and Evan used to share the same energy before they both went into therapy and were put on antidepressants.

“If it helps, Zoe might be there,” (Y/N) said. This statement made Evan almost choke on his breakfast and drop his fork.

“Why…why would I care about that?”

“It’s obvious that you have a crush on her, Evan,” (Y/N) giggled, taking his empty plate from him and proceeding to wash.

“No, no, no. I don’t. No, I don’t.” Evan held his head in his hands, appalled and embarrassed at his sister’s advances.

“She’s a nice person. You shouldn’t be so afraid of rejection,” she said

“That’s warranted, actually. Rejection is imminent as a teenager.” Suddenly, an idea popped up in (Y/N)’s head. Evan would think it was weird, but it was rare that her ideas weren’t weird.

“Why don’t you practice on me?”

“Pr-practice? Practice what?”

“Asking Zoe to hang out with you,” she pried. Every muscle in Evan’s face cringed, clearly even more disgusted and embarrassed now. Having your sister play your crush is more discouraging than encouraging; even if she was just trying to help.

“Oh, no, no, no. I-I don’t wanna-”

“C’mon. It’s not that bad. I’ll be Zoe. Just practice on me,” (Y/N) giggled, moving her bag from the counter, jumping on top and crossing her legs.

“(Y/N), I can’t take this seriously. I don’t wanna flirt with my sister. Tha-that’s gross.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll take off my glasses,” she sighed, removing them and sliding them across the counter.“I hope you’re happy, I look weird without glasses,”she grumbled, clearing her throat and making her voice higher pitched and overacted.

“Hey there, Evan.”

“He-hey, Zoe.”

“How’s it going.”

“I’m-I’m well. How’re you?”

“I’m good…I went to Jazz camp this summer. That’s cool.” (Y/N) had to take everything she had to not laugh right now. But then she noticed that Evan wasn’t saying anything; he was just frozen. It almost looked like he wasn’t breathing.

“Evan,” she snapped in front of his face, waking him up out of his haze and forcing him to naturally breathe again. “Are you just going to stand there in silence the whole time? C’mon, speak to me. I’m a lady.”

Evan continued to stumble on his words, before giving up and heading upstairs.

“I-I’m gonna go get my backpack.” (Y/N) sighed. Another seemingly masterful plan had ended horribly, yet again.

“Evan, you sweet precious baby boy; you will find your way,” she declared under her breath. She found herself talking a lot when nobody was around, as she had a lot to say.

(Y/N) grabbed the box of zebra cakes from on top of the fridge and stuffed them in her lunch bag before texting Connor again.

 

_If you go, I’ll buy you munchies_

**_You’re a fucking scam artist_ **

**_And I love you_ **

_Meet me by the park during lunch?_

_**Sure <3** _

…

Connor hid his smile from his parents as he texted back and forth with (Y/N). Even if he missed her, he was still stoned and didn’t want to deal with the assholes at school all day. (Y/N) would probably be the best part of his whole day.

 

_**I’m not going** _

_Why??_

_Correction:_

_Why this_

_time??_

_**I just don’t wanna** _

_**It’s gonna suck** _

“It’s your senior year

, Connor. You are not missing the first day,” Cynthia stated, cleaning up the dishes from her family’s breakfast. Connor put his phone back on his pocket and laid his head back on the kitchen table again.

“I already said that I’d go tomorrow. I’m trying to find a compromise here.” Connor groaned and smacked his head against the table. He had already been through senior year and he wasn’t ready to go through it again. His time at rehab and skipping classes forced him to retake the year.

“You want to jump in here, Larry?”

“Connor, you have to go to school,” Connor’s dad mumbled, barely looking up from his newspaper. It was obvious to pretty much everyone except Larry knew that he had given up on trying to parent his son. It seemed like he had given up on caring about him in general.

“Seriously? That’s it?”

“What else do you want me to say? He won’t listen to me. Look at him, he’s probably high.”

“Oh, he’s definitely high,” Zoe muttered, taking another bite of her cereal.

“Fuck you,” Connor grumbled, looking up at his sister with red eyes

“Fuck you,” Zoe spat. Cynthia came over and lightly smacked Connor on the head.

“I don’t want you picking on your brother right now, Zoe. That’s not constructive. Besides, he’s not high.” The family turned their eyes towards Connor as if asking Cynthia,’seriously?’ She gave her son a glance that said to him, ‘you aren’t high, right?’ But his red eyes had shot her thoughts down.

“I don’t want you going to school high, Connor!”

“Perfect! Then I won’t go.” Cynthia then remembered something, walking over to the table by the door; taking out a partcularly suspicious item that she had found in Connor’s room.

“By the way, I was cleaning out your room last night and I found these under your pillow,” she sternly said, placing a pair of girl’s underwear in front of Connor. His eyes opened wide and lifted his head off the table. The rest of the family scooted themselves away in shock. Larry choked on his coffee.

‘ _Oh, fuck. I’m fucked. I’m fucked. I’m fucked. I’m fucked_ ,’ Connor thought. (Y/N) told him it’d be a bad idea to leave her underwear there. At the time, it didn’t seem like a big deal. To be fair, they were both incredibly horny and stoned.

“What the fuck, Connor?” Zoe laughed before leaving the table to get her bag.

“Whose are they?” Cynthia asked.

“…they’re mine?” he said, still out of it.

“You own a pair of purple women’s lacey underwear with raccoons on them?” Zoe giggled, ready for school.

“…yes? Why should that matter? …shut up!” He mentally slapped himself for deciding to smoke pot at three in the morning.

“Are you sneaking around with someone?” Cynthia continued to pry.

“Most likely not. All the girls in school avoid him anyway,” Zoe said, rolling her eyes as she scrolled through her phone.

“Fuck you Zoe!”

“Connor, you aren’t off the hook. Whose are these?”

“I…bought them…the other day…when I was…stoned…” he explained. Everyone was silent, but not necessarily surprised. Cynthia gave up, rolling her eyes and walking back over to the sink to wash the dishes.

_If you go, I’ll buy you munchies_

_**You’re a fucking scam artist** _

_**And I love you** _

_Meet me by the park during lunch?_

_**Sure <3** _

“Connor, if you’re not ready in five minutes, I’m leaving without you,” Zoe said

“You’re going to school, Connor.”

“Fine. I have a sudden burst of energy. I think it’s my body’s last ‘hurrah’ before it completely shuts down. Thanks, Mom!” Connor couldn’t pass up junk food from the person he loved the most.

…

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?” Jared commented, referring to Evan’s broken arm. (Y/N) always thought he was a sarcastic asshole, but a good guy overall.  He just had a hard time being sensitive to other people.

“Wait, what…I didn’t…that’s not what happened,” Evan stuttered. He actually fell out of a tree during his internship as an apprentice park ranger. He said he was climbing this huge fifty foot oak tree while scouting around Ellison State Park. He and (Y/N) used to go there a lot as kids before their mom started taking late shifts and going to school again.

Their mom made Evan and (Y/N) sign up for it. In reality, (Y/N) purposefully didn’t turn in the application. She saw how much Evan wanted the internship

“Paint me a picture: you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird off-brand cell phone…”

“That’s not what happened…obviously. I was…um…I was climbing a tree … and I fell”

“What’re you? An acorn?”

“That’s not even funny, Jared. That’s just lame.”

“I don’t fucking care, (Y/N).”

“Evan, I’m only gonna say this once. What if you went up to Zoe and leaned up against the door of the jazz club and casually say,” (Y/N) did as she said, comically staring at her brother and quoted, ”…’Ya like jazz?’” Jared and (Y/N) bursted out in laughter, while Evan let out a quiet chuckle.

“That would be beautiful and I applaud you for that,” Jared said, giving (Y/N) a crisp high five.

“I gotta go. See you guys later?”

“Yeah, sure,” Evan said.

“Bye, Kleinmeme!”

…

Connor walked down the hallways looking for (Y/N), dreading this day. He hated this place and he hated the people. If he didn’t have to be surrounded by dumbass students and teachers and just got to learn a few new things, he’d be fine with it. Despite the fact that he skipped a lot, he didn’t like missing school. He felt like people talked about him more when he was gone.

(Y/N) was basically the only reason he came to school anymore. That and his art and photography classes. They were pretty much the only classes in which the students and teachers didn’t make Connor want to kill himself. His mental state had improved in the past two years, though. What helped was the letters that he and (Y/N) would write to each other.

Back when they had first started seeing each other, they’d pass notes in class or leave them for the other to find. They’d talk about anything that may have crossed their minds, from silly little thoughts to big questions. It had been a while since they passed notes, though. He and (Y/N) had been together a lot over the past summer, and they simply saw no need for it. Today was one of those days, though; a day where Connor couldn’t express a certain feeling simply by speaking to her.

Talking had gotten a lot easier, and it gotten to the point in which they didn’t even need to talk to each other to know what they were feeling and thinking. These past two years of sneaking through their bedroom windows to take polaroids of each other and kiss had shed light on both (Y/N)’s and Connor’s lives.

Connor continued to walk, but there was no sign of his girlfriend. She’d probably be at her first class of the day. He settled with slipping his letter in her locker of almost four years now. Sliding his hand into his bag, he searched around for it, but it wasn’t where he had last left it. It was lost in a disarray of loose colored pencils, his sketchbook and his copy of watership down; it was he and (Y/N)’s favorite book.

“Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I’m nice to you and your sister or else my parents aren’t going to pay for my car insurance.”

‘ _Oh, fuck_ ,’ Connor thought. He knew that voice. Jared Kleinman was a fucking asshole. He was an okay guy to most, but most people weren’t Connor. From what (Y/N) had told him, Jared was family friends of her and her brother. They were usually forced to socialize due to their parents. Jared had always been a sarcastic asshole to Connor. Today was no different.

Connor tried to walk by with no interference, head low.

“Hey, Connor! Lovin’ the new hair length! It’s very…school shooter-chic!” Jared hollered. Connor halted, stoned and steely blue and brown eyes peering at the two. Everything about Jared make Connor cringe and flame up. His eyes widened behind his glasses, realizing his mistake.

“I was just…kidding,” he defended. “It was just a joke.”

“Yeah, no. It was so funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?” Connor says, mocking Jared’s tone. He walked sinisterly towards the two.

“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” he smiled in a hair-raising way. Jared began laughing nervously, causing Evan to do the same. (Y/N) did that sometimes, too.

“God, you’re such a freak.” Jared said, darting to his locker a few feet away from Evan. Something snapped inside of Connor, like a branch. He had been doing better, lately. But it was as if something built up and he forgot all of the coping skills he and (Y/N) had been practicing, and something broke inside his head. He blacked out.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?”

“What?”

“Stop fucking laughing at me!!”

“I’m not-”

“You think I’m a freak!?”

“Connor, I wasn’t-”

‘I’m not the freak!!

“I didn’t-”

“You’re the fucking freak!!”

Connor didn’t even realize what he had done until he saw Evan on the floor and leaning against the lockers, staring back up at him. He looked just as shaken as he felt. He wanted to say sorry and that he didn’t know what happened(because he really didn’t), but no words came out. Everything just came crashing down. Without anything else to do, he walked to his next class.

…

“Woah…” Jared laughed, closing his locker and helping Evan off the floor.

“Evan you okay, man?”

“I…I think so,” Evan stuttered, brushing himself off and picking up his backpack. Jared looked around, making sure nobody was listening.

“Dude, I need to tell you something,” he whispered

“What-what is it?” Jared grabbed Evan’s hand and dragged him around the corner and into the courtyard.

“Jared, what the hell?”

“Zoe Murphy had a party the other week while her parents went out of town, and (Y/N) was there,” Jared said. Parties weren’t necessarily Evan’s thing, or (Y/N)’s for that matter. But (Y/N) did have a few more friends than he did, Zoe included.

“That’s not news, Jared. (Y/N) is friends with Zoe,” he said.

“I was dared to play seven minutes in heaven with this super hot exchange student from Thailand I met last year. Her names Anong and we-”

“Let’s go back, Jared,” Evan sighed, cutting him off. Jared had a tendency to ramble instead of getting straight to the point.

“We were kissing in Connor’s closet, side note there’s, like, a briefcase of pot in there-” Jared recalled.

“Jared, let’s get back to the story.”

“When we were kissing, Connor came back in and…(Y/N) was with him,” he recalled. Evan’s eyes went wide.

“What?”

“They were kissing and talking about fucking and getting and high and they passed out on the bed,” he told Evan, trying to hold in his laughter. He failed.

“Wait-wait…what?!?!”

“Your fucking sister hooked up with a future school shooter!” Jared kept on laughing, clearly not even noticing or caring about Evan’s current state of distress. “I laughed for, like, twenty minutes afterward and I think I may have pissed myself.”

“Jared, that-that’s not the point! Are…are you sure it was her?” Evan asked, taking a sip out of his water bottle

“Yeah, because Connor said her name and I heard her voice talking about how good he fingers her-” This caused Evan to choke on his water and promptly spit it out before scolding Jared.

“Oh-Jared! I did not need to know that! Th-that’s my sister!”

“You’re the one that asked!”


	2. Chatpter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a secret that they wanted to shout from the rooftops. To scream “I love you,” but it couldn’t happen. If their friends and family found out, things would never be the same. They couldn’t tell them. Luckily, they don’t have to. Simultaneously being in catatonic state does the work for them.
> 
> Connor Murphy x Fem!Hansen!Reader

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read my bullshit, please. I’ve worked hard on this
> 
> Word Count: 2686
> 
> Chapter Warnings: Adult Language, Mentions of Drug Use, Mentions of Sexual Encounters, Typical Teenage Comedy, Okay-ish writing, Panic Attacks

(Y/N) stood at her and Connor’s usual meeting spot, twiddling her thumbs and leaning against her locker.

“Hey there,” she hears. She could practically hear Connor’s smile. (Y/N) turned her head and there he was, leaning about six or seven lockers away.

“Hey!” she whispered, trying to make sure no one heard or saw them. Connor did they same before they both realized they were safe enough to smile at each other.

“Rendezvous to the park?” He asked. (Y/N) nodded, walking out the side door of the school. Before Connor left the other direction, he slipped his note of the day into her locker.

Harmony Park certainly wasn’t the best park in the area, but Connor and (Y/N) liked it. It was a small community park a couple of blocks from the school with lots of oak trees and cherry blossoms; a big open field with rabbit holes and a willow tree was the center. (Y/N) used to spend days there with her friends sometimes. Mostly, she just sat under the willow tree and caught up on some reading or homework. But the willow tree had become her and Connor’s secret meeting place. From then on, they’d spend every other day there during lunch.

(Y/N) and Connor stood under the willow tree and dropped all their stuff at the roots.

“I missed you this past week,” (Y/N) whined, wrapping her arms around him as his grip tightened around her torso.

“I missed you more,” Connor whispered.

Both of them almost felt pathetic, sometimes; how big of a physical and emotional effect they had on each other just by being close. What felt even more pathetic was how they felt when they were alone. They missed each other like crazy.

Connor and (Y/N) hadn’t really seen each other in a couple of weeks since Zoe had a party at the Murphy house. The day after, their parents had taken them to visit some old friends out of town. Even though they were happy to be together, it didn’t make them feel any less pathetic.

(Y/N) took a sip of her water, her back leaning against Connor’s chest as they sat under the willow tree eating their lunches.

“What’s up with you lately?” (Y/N) smiled, looking up at him. He’s the school’s resident tall boy(probably the tallest person in school), so Connor’s pretty much always tucking her head under his chin.

“Okay, so don’t freak out,” he started. Just by the way he opened it, (Y/N) could tell this wasn’t going to be a good thing. Freaking out would probably be warranted. “…but my mom found a pair of your underwear when she was cleaning out my room.”

(Y/N)’s eyes widened as her mouth fell open and a trickle of water seeped out of her mouth. “Oh, Jesus…ok, that is…not great,” she bluntly said, collecting her thoughts as she moved herself to face Connor. “What the hell did you say to her?”

“I told her I bought them when I was high,” he said, putting his hand on her arm. It was a routine movement in order to calm her down. (Y/N) giggled.

“Kudos to you,” she commented, leaning back against him.”That’s a believable excuse.”

“I thought so too, but we can’t keep dodging questions like this. We need to be more careful or come clean,” Connor whispered into her ear, followed by a few nuzzles, bites and kisses.

“I know,” (Y/N) sighed.”…at this point we’re just delaying the inevitable.” She shivered, comforted by Connor’s warm breath on her neck.

“It’s okay…you told me you’d bring me food.”

“To be honest…I don’t have any sweets for you,” she said, shooting him an apologetic smile. Connor gave her a wide, stoned and tired-eyed looked that said ‘are you fucking serious?’

“ I was just afraid you wouldn’t come without an incentive.”

“(Y/N), did you just drag me across the Sahara desert to get to this godforsaken school for nothing??”

“I’m kidding, you jerk,” (Y/N) laughed, earning a sigh of relief from Connor. She took out the box of zebra cakes from her lunch bag. “I got zebra cakes,” she sang.

“Oh, thank fuck,” Connor sighed, rolling his eyes.

“No, thank me,” (Y/N) retorted as Connor yanked a few packages of cakes out of her arms. He wolfed a couple of them down, not bothering to savor the taste like usual.

“I fucking hate you. Don’t ever do that again,”

“A, no you don’t. You love me. And B, no promises,” she laughed, taking the last bite before collapsing on the grass next to Connor.

“I think you may have just killed me, (Y/N). That was so good,” he sighed, searching for her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. (Y/N) giggled, tenderly climbing on him and laying her head down on Connor’s chest.

“By the way,…”Connor started, wondering if he should’ve started this sentence in the first place. “…I ran into Jared Kleinmeme and your brother today,” he finished, cringing a little bit.

“The way you’ve set this up, I don’t have a feeling this is a good story,” (Y/N) moved a little bit so she could look at Connor in the eye, taking the last bite of her lunch.

“Yeah it’s not. I may have…pushed Evan in the hallway,” Connor said, bracing himself. (Y/N)’s mouth dropped open so wide that she was subtly drooling. She blinked a few times and pushed up her glasses, making sure what she just heard from her boyfriend was correct.

“So…I assume that you’re mad at me,” Connor said, not sure if he meant it as a statement or as a question. (Y/N) fully lifted herself off of Connor’s lap to gently give him a couple of hits in the shoulder.

“Why the fuck would you do that, Connor?” she asked, lifted up her hands to gingerly hold Connor’s face. She was pretty sure she’d one day cut her hands on his cheekbones. “Evan’s a precious little cinnamon roll. What did he ever do to you?” (Y/N) looked at Connor with worried eyes, climbing back onto his lap.

“Kleinman was making fun of me and calling me a freak and a school shooter and shit,” he sighed. (Y/N)’s breath hitched in her chest. She made a mental note to ‘accidentally’ punch or yell at Jared later. “I thought I heard Evan laugh at me and…I don’t know what happened, but I called him a freak and pushed him,” Connor finished, turning his head away from (Y/N). He didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. He had been doing so well with managing his anger lately.

(Y/N) wasn’t disappointed, though. She was rarely ever disappointed in anything Connor did. She knew he had trouble controlling it. It wasn’t his fault. Giving herself a small smile and laugh, she pulled Connor’s face back to look at her.

“Okay. First of all: I love you and I’m sorry you felt like that needed to happen. Second: we have a ground rule and that is: ‘don’t physically or mentally attack each other’s family.’”

Connor sighed, looking down to see where he and (Y/N) were connected at their waists.

“I’m sorry, I just…I’m trying, okay?”

(Y/N) gave him a content smirk, placing a kiss on his forehead. Connor engulfed the rest of her body in her arms, shakily breathing and on the verge of a few tears.

“I know. I know. It’s okay. Just remember to take a few deep breaths and try to calm yourself down, okay? Evan would never do anything to piss anyone off on purpose. Just apologize. I’m a thousand percent sure he’d forgive you.”

“I’ll find him after school. See you in photography?”

…

(Y/N) scribbled around in her journal, mostly consisting of outer space and animals doing crazy shit. She didn’t have anything to write today, which was rare. Just doodling around the polaroids of her and Connor was heavily theraputic. Due to her anxiety and adhd, she liked drawing and writing. Unless her hands were occupied, she had a hard time paying attention. Drawing and writing was more productive than scratching her hands hard enough to bleed. It was better than tapping your pen or fork on the table out of sheer anxiety. Even if she didn’t see her as much as she’d like to, it would break her mom’s heart to see her body wounded again.

As happy as she was to be back into a regular and productive routine again, (Y/N) couldn’t wait to be home again. She called her mom a couple times. After the few first rings of the third attempt, she was ready to hang up, but she answered.

“Honey, hi. I know I was supposed to pick you guys up today, but I’m stuck at the hospital. Erica has the flu and I’m the only other nurse’s aide on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift. It’s just…they announced more budget cuts this morning, so anything I can do to show that I’m part of the team, you know?”

(Y/N) sighed, annoyed. This was a routine phone call for her and Heidi. She loved her mom was grateful for everything she had gone through for her and Evan. Heidi was always part of a team; (Y/N) just wished she would be on her and Evan’s team once in a while.

“It’s fine, Mom. Evan and I can take the bus. Maybe I can ask Michael if he can give us a ride.”

“Perfect. That’s perfect. (Y/N), can you please be sure that you and your brother eat something? We’ve got those Trader Joe’s dumplings in the freezer,” she said. (Y/N) could hear the smile and pitty over the phone line.

“We’ll figure something out, Mom. Don’t worry.”

To be honest, (Y/N) could deal with the late shifts and heating up leftovers. She was fine with taking care of her and her brother. Because at least she knew her mom was trying. Heidi was understanding to all their mood swings and the need to be around their momma. She took the time to get to know her kids and put care into their relationship when she could. Unlike their dad, who never put an effort into anything that involved his twins.

“I hope it was a good day, sweetie.”

“It was real great. I got to see my friends and yeah. Nothing bad happened, so that’s a good thing.”

“Great, (Y/N). That’s great. I think this is the start of a great new year. I think all of us can use one of those, huh?”

(Y/N) knew they all needed it, and she wanted to answer. But she barely had time to think about what she would say to her mom, let alone actually speak.

“Shit. Sorry, baby. I have to run. Bye. I love you.” Mom’s voice disappeared, and (Y/N) was left alone in her favorite corner of the library.

“Bu-bye,” (Y/N) groaned, her eyes rolling into the back of her head as she leaned back into her chair. Her mind wandered so much that she didn’t even realize she was scratching her arms again.

_Mom took an extra shift at_

_the hospital so she can’t_

_pick us up today_

_I told her we’d take_

_the bus, so don’t worry_

_**Ok** _

_Maybe I can even ask_

_Michael for a ride?_

_Are you okay?_

_**Yeah. I’m fine** _

_Did you write your letter_

_for Dr. Sherman?_

_**Yeah.** _

_**I’m printing it out now.** _

_Meet me at the front of the_

_school after you’re done_

(Y/N) set her phone down again, leaning back in her chair and looking up at the ceiling of the library. She tapped her pen on the table next to her.

…

“So!…uh, how’d you break your arm?” Connor had a habit of forcing himself to make conversation on impulse.

“Oh, I…I fell out of a tree, actually.”

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor asked. He didn’t really think he would get this far.

”Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Connor didn’t really know what he was doing if that wasn’t obvious. He shifted his gaze back to the floor. So did Evan. Despite his nervousness, Connor pressed on. He took a hard look at Evan’s cast. It was completely blank.

“Uhm…no one’s signed your cast,” he spotted, pushing his hair behind his ear.

“No, I know. Well, my twin actually signed it, but yeah,” Evan said, twisting his cast the other way to show off (Y/N)’s handwriting. “Her signature is…kinda tiny.” Correction: it was mostly blank. That didn’t change the fact that it was pathetic to only have your sister acknowledge your injury.

“Well, I’ll sign it,” Connor shrugs.

“No, you don’t have to.”

“Do you…uh, have a sharpie?” Evan wanted to say no, but he gave it to him anyway. Connor even looked very reluctant to take it, but bit the cap off and pulled Evan’s broken arm toward him…a bit too roughly.

“Ow,” he winced.

“Sorry,” Connor apologized, trying to laugh it off. He made a mental note to himself that he had to work on that. He paused, thinking where to write his name. For some reason, Connor decided to write his name in big bold letters, taking up one entire side of the cast. He didn’t even realize that it was probably a bad idea until he had finished.

“Oh, great…thanks,” Evan said, trying to pass off his shock and disappointment as satisfaction.

“Yeah. Now we can both pretend that we have friends.”

“That’s a good…good point,” Evan laughed.

“Uh, your sister is (Y/N) Hansen?”

“Yeah, she’s um…she’s a good person.”

“Yeah, I had art with her a few years ago and she was in my photography class today. She’s cool.”

Evan didn’t really know what to say anymore, picking up his backpack and starting to walk out of the computer lab.

“Oh, is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’? That’s your name, right?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s stupid, really. It’s for an a…an assignment.” Evan had honestly forgotten about his letter in the middle of everything that had just happened. He then realized what he wrote on it and that it shouldn’t be in Connor’s hands. Nonetheless, he considered to read Evan’s letter. His hands started to shake and desperation turned into anger. Connor managed to get a few sentences out.

“‘Because there’s Zoe?’…This is about my sister?”

“No, no, no…” Evan began to panic, stumbling on his words as his mind considered what he could say to save himself. What was Connor going to do to him?

“You knew I would find this?”

“What?”

“You … you saw that I was the only other person here in the computer lab and you wrote and printed this out so I could find it.”

“Why…why would I do that?”

“So I would read some creepy shit about my sister and freak out? And then you could tell everyone I’m crazy! Right!?”

“No, wait. I don’t even…what?”

“Fuck you!” Connor yelled. He charged past Evan, leaving him calling after him. Evan hastily dropped his backpack and ran to get his letter back.

“No, no! Connor! I really need that back! Please, please give it back!” Evan chased after the tall boy; begging, pleading. He couldn’t keep up as he saw him run angrily down the hallway. Without anything left to do, Evan went back to the computer lab to get his backpack. Upon picking it up, it was as if he lost control of his muscles and fell down. His heart beat faster and he began hyperventilating. He slumped against the wall of the lab and held his head in his hands.

“No, no, no, no, no,no,no!!”


End file.
